Nick Mallonee is a Counselor at SAY's Dr. Coffee Teen Shelter
As a counselor at the Dr. James E Coffee House Teen Shelter, I liaise with the Sonoma County Probation Department, and receive referrals from them for kids who are in need family therapy—a short term therapy program of just 12 weeks.
Clients can be referred to us for many reasons, but I see so many similar issues over and over again: teens who are struggling to deal with parents who are addicted to drugs or who are absent from their lives, others who have experienced domestic violence, or are addicted to drugs themselves. But there’s not a single kid who walks in here who wants to be an addict, or who wants to become homeless. They all want something better for themselves, and it’s my job to help connect them to their goals.
One of the first kids I worked with here was Manuel, who came in when he was 13 and was suffering from anxiety attacks. Before coming to me, Manuel had been in a mental hospital and his family was referred to our family program when he was released. I worked with Manuel and his parents on and off for a few years, and saw him struggling to deal with everything that was going on in his life. In addition to his struggles with anxiety, Manuel’s parents immigrated to the United States from El Salvador before he was born and being a first generation American, Manuel had to deal with a cultural and linguistic divide between himself and his parents. His psychiatrist worked to try to find the right medications to control his anxiety, but outside of what the Doctor prescribed him, Manuel experimented with drugs, and got involved in gangs. He started to slide. It was hard to watch, but like many teens, you could see that he had to experience some of this in order to grow, and to learn how to get back up again after he stumbled.
Throughout everything, I worked with his family on their communication. The key to helping parents and teens communicate is making sure that teens feel safe to talk about what they think is important, and making sure to listen when they do. Every parent wants the best for their kids, and Manuel’s parents were willing to listen to what he needed, without dictating every decision. His parents took the lead from him, and were patient with his progress. As a result, he was able to work through his problems and overcome his struggles. Just this year Manuel started his freshman year at college. He’s turned into a well-rounded, intellectual young man. He’s someone I still stay in touch with and it’s so great to hear from him.
As a counselor, I’ve seen so many ways that communication can break down between parents and teens, the most common thing that I tell parents is that even though your child is older, nothing has changed; just like you have to protect your toddler if they are out playing in the street, it’s no different when teenagers are acting out, you have to do everything in your power to protect them, that’s how your children know that you care about them.
Another thing I teach is how to communicate without being inflammatory. It can be so easy to resort to name calling, or to place blame on one another without taking responsibility for your own actions. I also tell parents to choose their battles, don’t exhaust yourself trying to fix every little thing when you can save so much energy by focusing on only changing the important stuff. Lastly, I tell parents and teens to use their resources, The Dr. Coffee Teen Shelter is a safe place where any teen can come and get help when they are having problems at home, and our crisis hotline is available 24 hours a day for parents and teens to call. Please pass out number on to families who need it: we can be reached anytime at 800-544-3299.
